She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
