wanna go halves on a baby?
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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