You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
