morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
