I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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