She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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