I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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