so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
