today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
