At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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