You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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