you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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