Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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