Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
