I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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