He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
