Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
