I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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