She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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