matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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