And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
