She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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