I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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