just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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