I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
