I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
