Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
