How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
