I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
