You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
