maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
