I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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