Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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