When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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