I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
