Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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