i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
