and next time when you feel me up, do it right
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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