glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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