i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
