her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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