ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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