I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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