Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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