just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
