me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
