What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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