"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
