Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
