so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
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