I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
