sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
