I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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