He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Too much gin, very little bucket
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
