Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
