just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
