I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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